Change It: The Mental Shift That’s Helping Me Through Grief

There are moments, even now, when I catch myself asking impossible questions.

Why did this happen to Lani?

Why does that person get to grow old and she didn’t?

Why do they get 40 years together, and I only got seven?

Grief brings these questions.

They sneak in when I least expect them.

And they’re heavy.

They have no answers — just echoes and hurt.

But I’ve learned something: when I notice those questions rising, I say out loud to myself; “Change it.”

It’s not a magic fix.

But it’s a signal.

A pattern interrupt.

A way of waking myself up from the spiral.

And then I shift the question.

Instead of “Why us?”, I ask:

“What am I grateful for?”

“What memories did we get that others may never experience?”

And the truth is — we had something rare.

We travelled the world together.

We flew business class to new countries.

We ate at amazing restaurants without needing to look at the price on the menu.

We shared adventures, conversations, silence, beauty.

We lived deeply. And freely. And fully.

That’s what I choose to focus on.

I still grieve. I still cry. I still ask hard questions.

But I don’t let those thoughts drag me down into a place I don’t want to live in.

“Change it.”

It’s become a mantra. A micro-habit.

A way to honour Lani, not just mourn her.

Grief will always be part of my life.

But I get to choose how I carry it.

So the next time you catch yourself spiralling into painful, unanswerable questions — pause.

Say it out loud if you need to: “Change it.”

And then, ask something else.

Ask an empowering question.

What did I love most about them?

What moments am I grateful for?

How can I honour them with the way I live today?

These shifts won’t take away the pain — but they’ll help you move through it with strength.

And some days, that’s more than enough.

— Chris Spring

The Rebuild Lab